How to Learn During Dark Times

I have been accused of being a positive person. Im not sure I agree or maybe I just dont understand what people mean when they say someone is positive. I worry that Ill be put in the same bucket as folks that are passive in their positivity.

What do I mean by this?

Heres an example, "Everything happens for a Reason" this phrase really bugs me. I hear it a lot when someone is in the middle of a tough experience. People say it as if it is going to soothe the situation. I see it as passive and minimizing. Minimizing cuz what is the person suffering supposed to say to that "NO"? Passive cuz its a bunch of words, but they dont really communicate much. Except for maybe "stop talking".

Now, I know Im assigning intent but like for real how does telling someone "Everything happens for a Reason" help? It feels like there is an assumption that the rough time the person is experiencing will turn into some super shiny gem of an experience. But that is rearly the case.

Another example is when the person going through the tough time says "Everything happens for a reason". I interpret this as a dismissive action. 

Yes I know Im being extra judgy here.

But it is because the person isnt investing anytime to evaluate how they have contributed to the stinkyness in the situation. As if everything is someone else's responsibility. Someone else is responsible for the less than awesome situation and someone else is responsible for making things better.

I see it as a total lack of ownership, or at best the person spends very little time working on self awareness.

I really hope this isnt the type of "positivity" you associate me with🤕 

Because I am 100% POSITIVE (see what I did their😎) that there are massive lessons to be learned in the darkest time. So instead of repeating a cliche, we can expand our Impact, Influence, and Connection by asking 1 powerful question:

The Question

"What can I learn from this?" asking myself this question shifts the energy of every negative situation I am in. It shrinks the magnitude of all the "what if-ing" and "why-ing". Focusing on what I can learn from the situation puts me in the drivers seat, I am no longer a victim in or to the situation. 

Examining what can be learned, does not assume that everything will be awesome nor does it assume the sky is falling down. It helps me avoid wasting a bunch of energy worrying, wondering, and blaming. It puts me in an action state.

Sometimes I learn that my tone and the words I use need to be softer. Sometimes I learn a particular person needs to be removed from my circle. Every time I learn.

The best example I have of this is when I was in pre-trial looking at the possibility of going to prison for a few years for drinking and driving. The fear and pressure I was under was ginormous. Then I asked myself, "What could I learn while Im in prison?" 

I made a list of around 80 things. Making the list calmed my nerves and helped me focus on living.

Guess what, I didnt get locked up. But I still had the list.

And this triggered another question: Why do I have to be in prison to do any of these things? The answer is I dont have to be in prison. This experience was huge for me in that it helped me understand my purpose on this world.

The clarity did not come from passively telling myself "things happen for a reason" the awakening was not spurred by someone consoling me with "things happen for a reason"

The Growth came from asking one question "What can I learn from this"

So if you're struggling and there aint no one around to throw you a life line, ask yourself "What can I learn from this?"